South Park: The Stick of Truth – Kyle or Cartman?

Plot spoilers. Plot spoilers everywhere. I’m saying this now (and frequently) because I know some people are super cereal very sensitive about spoilers, and as someone who has never cared if things are spoiled for me, sometimes I don’t even notice it if I have accidentally ruined something for other people. So I’m just gonna put this here, read on at your own discretion.

I basically started writing this when I first had to decide which side I wanted to go with, and kept adding to it as I played through the quest. However, I noticed from my stats page that a lot of people were looking here because they too wanted to know for themselves which side to pick, so here is a quick answer for those curious.

In short: siding with Kyle will get you a certain achievement and weapon, and likewise, siding with Cartman will get you a different achievement and weapon. You cannot get both in one playthrough/save file. Aside from these things, this choice doesn’t affect the storyline one bit, or the way the members of the opposing faction will treat you later on. The side you pick is basically just for this one quest, because (spoiler!) neither Kyle nor Cartman is actually the mastermind behind the stolen Stick of Truth. Just go with whoever you like fighting with more, or the characters you enjoy hanging out with more. After this quest, the humans and elves will join forces.

And below is the original blog/gaming journal I wrote, prior to playing through the quest. It’s just a more spoiler-y and rambling version of what happened to me as I played through both sides.

I know it makes very little difference in terms of gameplay (even the story and dialogue stays the same regardless of the side you pick, or so I hear), but damn, this is harder for me to pick than I thought. Should I fight for the Grand Wizard and the humans, or the High Jew Elf and his drow elves?

I was initially more inclined to side with the elves – I suppose I trust Kyle and Stan more than Cartman. Cartman’s always been a bit of an ass, so I totally buy that he is hiding the Stick of Truth and cheating.


More importantly, if I don’t go with the elves, they will tell everyone I’m a butthole.

But on the other hand, the fair princess Kenny is in the Kupa Keep Kingdom. Cartman and the humans just seem funnier overall, and we did start on his side. He took me under his wing and taught me how to harness the power of my farts and everything. Doesn’t feel right to stab him in the back.

Either way, this game is just awesome so far, I’m having so much fun. For now, I think I’ll just go on some side quests with Stan, beat up some Nazi zombies and mull things over. I’ll keep updating my progress here, and what happens depending on the side I pick.

Update – more spoilers for the Attack the School quest

So, after much consideration, I ended up… doing two save files. So far, it really doesn’t seem to change much. If you’re on Cartman’s side, Kyle will be the alleged cheater who hides the Stick of Truth in his desk, and similarly, if you side with the elves, then Cartman is the fat bastard that’s accused of hiding the Stick in his desk at school. And then we go to war. I noticed minor dialogue differences – for instance, Kyle and the elves call you New Kid more than Douchebag (however, your title is still Commander Douchebag if you side with him), and when you face the Nazi-zombie ginger hall monitors, Cartman will say something like “don’t touch him, he’s ginger!”, while Kyle is more afraid of getting busted for not having hall passes – just little things like that, to fit each character better.

I guess the thing this decision affects the most is that once you pick a side, you won’t have access to the party members of the opposite faction in battle anymore. So if you go with the elves, you will be immediately given Stan the Fighter and Jimmy the Bard to choose from, and if you’re on the humans side, you will continue to fight with Butters the Merciful (the great paladin) and the fair Princess Kenny, with his her cute pink bow and unicorns.

I’ll probably just keep playing both to see how it goes, but I am a little further along on the humans side. Since I picked the fighter class myself, it seemed to make more sense to stay with Butters, as Stan is also a fighter, though I’ll probably fight with Jimmy sometime just to see if he has any more lovely songs. That Stonebury Hollow song is just so catchy.

Update 2

I went back and raided the school with Kyle and Stan this time. I love Stan as a partner – he’s kind of a badass, plus his buddy command involves having his dog Sparky urinate on things. But beating up Butters just made me feel horrible. Even more so than beating up a disabled child, or the kindergartners in the park. That kid is just so sweet and adorable.

Butters the Adorable

And when he fainted he started crying and said “nobody likes me!” That made me a little sad.


I’m sorry, kid.

I did get his Hammer of Storms after that, but it’s a slight downgrade from my flaming Rod of Major Boobage.

Hammer of Storm

Final Decision

When I was given the choice, I double-crossed the elves and had a one-on-one battle with Kyle, but guess what? In the end, it doesn’t matter who you pick, because the Stick is with… Clyde? Yup, turns out Clyde is still pretty upset with Cartman for banishing him from time and space, and now he’s building his own army to get back at the gang. With the power of the stick, he broke up both elven and human kingdoms, so it looks like we’ll all be working together from here on out. Good news is, Kyle and Cartman will now be available as buddies from here on out! They are kind of really awesome.


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